are you still at the devil's house?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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