saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
