____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
