It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
