I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do vagina's smell?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
