The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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