I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
