Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
