Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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