the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i drank out of a bidet.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
