You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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