I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
