My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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