my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
