i already hear my dad disowning me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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