How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
