You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
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Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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