my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
