What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
