3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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