i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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