Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Randomize
