So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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