He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
