So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
