If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.