i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.