I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.