In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
ttyl tear gas
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right