my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she woke up with a sticky ear
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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