You're my little dorito
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Text me some of your sweat
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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