shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
