Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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