i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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