i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
