The maid of honor just puked.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Houston, we have a blender
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
