Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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