he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
