i can't believe i had my finger in that
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
