just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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