I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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