i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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