Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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