1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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