if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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