I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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