i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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