I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
