pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
