i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
