She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
