So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
