She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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