apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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