guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
