Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
