he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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